Dan and I dropped into Metro Silver Diner this weekend, as usual. We labored over the menu and considered trying something different. As usual, we fell back on our favorites: Chili with a salad for him and gourmet sliders on greens* for me. I also get the last desperate shlurp of a milkshake we’re supposed to be sharing…but anyway.

A typical date at the Diner. Except my Spidey-sense started tingling as soon as we walked in. That’s a benefit to growing up with an asshole alcoholic, by the way. You’re quick to feel a downturn in the mood of a room. Quick as spit, your nerves skip a beat and your wariness kicks in. Or rather, now that I’m an adult and safe and happy, my awareness is what kicks in.

The greeter was kind, but desperate. The cashier was prompt, but stiff. And the floor staff wasn’t buzzing and smiling and laughing. The restaurant was all sparkly and the customers looked cared for, but the staff was miserable. And within 3 minutes we knew why.

There was a jackass among them

The worst kind. The upper-level management kind.

And he was getting in the way.

First, we heard him berating the adorable assistant manager. From two tables away we heard him bark, “I’m in there helping you guys by washing the dishes and there are six dirty tables out here…while you’re off taking a smoke break.” The young assistant perked out, “Sorry, Sir! It won’t happen again!” before shlumping outside to clean tables.

I was stunned. Not just because Jackass was having this should-be private moment right there on the floor of the restaurant.

I was stunned because this big ol’ jackass managed to cram a Poor Me statement and a sneer into the same sentence. Fucking artwork, that. It was an anti-bonus that he jackassed himself and humiliated this kid…over what? A handful of dirty tables right after the rush in a mostly empty restaurant? Absurd.

And so the kid shlumped out to bus the tables and Jackass followed him. Then Dan looked out the wall-sized window and started grumbling. In full view of everyone, Jackass interrupted the kid’s bussing effort with one of his own—by piling dirty dishes on the table the kid was cleaning so he could wipe the table he picked for himself.

And there lie (lay?) the problem. Jackass was one of those bosses. While we watched—because this is now dinner theater—he injected himself into all kinds of shit he had no business in.

My 2nd favorite was when he stationed himself at the waiters’ pick-up counter and handed them plates. <start snarky-sarcasm>Yeah. They’re totally incapable of taking a plate of food from a shelf on their own. I don’t know how they’ve managed without him.<end snarky-sarcasm>

My absolute favorite was when a chummy waiter sought me out to talk about new menu items that are coming. He started listing yummies, but before we can get a decent chat on, Jackass blurts loudly from across the room, “We’re not serving that yet, don’t talk about that!” and gets the waiter all flustered.

WTF?

What Jackass should have been doing

The REALLY amazing thing is it’s not like Jackass didn’t have anything else to do? Here’s my list of issues that need addressing:

• What’s up with your dishwashing equipment that the silverware is never really clean? The glassware and dishes are squeaky spotless, so what’s up?
• And speaking of silverware, why aren’t there wrapped place settings with the cashier? It’s just silly to make us walk alllll the way to the other end of the diner to fetch it.
  Note: I know the cafeteria/fine dining hybrid is a bit of an ass kicker, but it’s a great idea and you’ve got it almost perfect. Work it out.
• And speaking of ass-kicking, who was the moron who put the self-checkout kiosk right next to the cashier’s station? It’s awesome to scan my debit card and have past orders appear for quick checkout, but I can’t get to it when there’s any kind of line.  So while I could order right away, I have to wait in line with everyone else.

Let’s not be the jackass, k?

I’m still wondering if Jackass thinks fussing at the kids and with the process made him look big and smart and in charge and in control.

My message to Carlos (that’s his name, by the way—CARLOS): Your misplaced overactivity made you look small and petty and useless and mean. Leave the kids to do what they’re quite good at doing and go do your own fucking job. Whatever that is.

My message to you and me: Micromanagement can be amusing (I suppose) but it’s just a distraction. It’s like playing Free Cell or reading blog posts ;) , but worse because your capable staff can’t get their own stuff done. You’re in the way.

So—

• If we don’t trust our staff to do it right, we need to test ‘em and then retrain ‘em or replace ‘em,
• If we’re worried our processes are inefficient then we need to test them…but somewhere far away from work in progress, and
• If we’re just bored with our own work and want something else to do, then we need to admit that. And then hunker down to it or bail for something way out of the way of everyone else.

‘s all I’m saying.

.

* Mini Angus and turkey burgers with cheese and grilled onions + a mini-slab of fresh salmon with pickled ginger and a light ginger sauce. Yum!