There’s been chatter recently about the penalties of criticizing popular people, and also proof their retaliation can be swift, public, and unkind.
I tend not to fan the flames of heated online discussions, and I’m not starting now. There’s no link to the original discussion because, 1) If you know it, you don’t need background, and 2) If you don’t know it, you don’t need background.
You don’t need background because I’m ignoring the details and working the concept. So any comments left below with, or about, the background details will be deleted. Alright?
And if I sound abrupt, it’s because I’ve run out of nice.
Blackballed: Defined
“A rejection of an applicant’s membership in a private organization, such as a club or fraternity.
The term is derived from the traditional practice of members voting anonymously on admitting new members, using either a white marble (acceptance) or a black marble (denial).
Acceptance must be unanimous; therefore, one black marble in the ballot box is enough to keep the applicant out of the organization.
Note : The term is now applied generally to efforts — especially unreasonable or vengeful actions — to keep a people or groups out of organizations they wish to join.”*
Blackballed: My Experience
In the 5th grade I had long-standing tenure with a small group of neighborhood girls. We hung out in my grandmother’s pool all summer, and hung out for lunch and recess at school…typical non-hierarchical kids’ stuff.
Then Yolanda Stokes joined our class mid-year. That she was a head taller than the rest of us was alarming, but we invited her into our little group and she was really nice. Until she wasn’t.
One day in February, none of my friends would talk to me. Or look at me. They talked among themselves and to others, but not to me. I asked them what’s wrong, what’s wrong, what had I done wrong, but they thoroughly ignored me…until school let out in June.
We hadn’t exchanged a word since winter, yet there was The Group at grandma’s back gate—without Yolanda, who lived elsewhere—in swimsuits with towels over-shoulder, smiling like nothing had changed.
Well, fuck that and fuck them.
I didn’t have those words at the time (unfortunately), so I simply stood at the gate and didn’t let them in. I may have actually growled. As they vainly pled their case, they explained how it was all Yolanda’s doing: She told them I was too smart to be friends with AND that she would beat up anyone she saw talking to me.
Wow. What a fragile loyalty.
As a group, we could have beat her up. Or collectively ignored her. But they were facing a viable threat with immediate consequences, and they traded friendship for her playground tyranny.
If I recall, Yolanda didn’t attend our school in the fall. With the threat removed and my resolve apparently softened by the summer sun, I was back in The Group! We hung out like old times and things were peachy. Until they weren’t.
In the middle of 8th grade we took standardized tests for entry to a special advanced high school program. No one in The Group got in…except me. This went over well (NOT!) and they stopped talking to me. Again.
Fooled me twice, yeh?
Blackballed: The Benefits
The first time I was excluded by The Group, I was devastated. I cried for a month, always in secret because I was ashamed to tell my parents I had no friends. Which makes no sense, but hey, I was 10. Whattayagonnado?
The second time I was excluded by The Group, I was annoyed. For like, a week. The feeling was hard to maintain because I was busy with my schoolwork, my hobbies, and my other friends.
Yeah. I learned a lot the first time—
- Lesson 1: How to cry alone in my room without making a sound. Which got boring.
- Lesson 2: How to play solo, find and invent things to do, and make new friends.
And the most important lesson of all—
Just because someone looks like me doesn’t make them my friend, and
just because someone doesn’t look like me doesn’t make them my enemy.
I was (and am) wary of meeting new people, but I became (and am) wide open to who my friends could be. Which meant I had friends of every color, age, and background…even boys. Ewwww! ;-)
So.
The Group’s second blackball effort didn’t hurt as much. I kinda remember them looking at me months later with question-mark faces. Like they wondered why I was hanging out and having fun as if being in The Group didn’t matter.
Ummm…? How about because being in The Group didn’t matter?
And that’s the thing about being blackballed: It matters only as much as being in The Group matters.
So when there are other people to talk to, other interests to explore, and other places to find what’s needed, being in The Group doesn’t matter at all.
Being Blackballed and Your Business
I thought that was kids’ stuff. But 30 years later and in business, I find myself back on the playground—if I ever left it. It’s a bigger game now, though. Being blackballed can be financially destructive, not just emotionally. That said—
If you want to be, or stay, in a Group—or connect with the people in it—it might be better to chew off your own tongue than voice a criticism to its leaders.
But that raises some questions, doesn’t it? Like—
Why do you believe a Group’s leaders would retaliate, rather than offer a professional-toned reply? Are you assuming the worst, or have you seen them attack others for their criticisms?
If you have seen them respond viciously to criticism, why do you still want to be in their Group? To say: What is so valuable about being a part of that Group that you would sign up for tyrannical leadership?
And if you want to connect with its members and you avoid criticizing the Group leaders because they might turn their followers against you, then 1) Can you ever trust their avid followers to be your loyal customers?, and 2) Are you prepared to play court jester to stay in the leaders’ favor? If so, for how long?
Blackballed: Lessons from the Playground
People are people, so blackballing is unavoidable. But I think 10-year-old me had good ideas for mellowing its effects. These ideas are helping the 41-year-old me, and maybe they’ll help you, too—
- Remember: Working solo is difficult, but doable
- Learn how to entertain yourself
- Find new friends to widen your network and lessen its fragility
- Don’t be afraid to make friends with people who are different from you
- Create networks that are independent of each other to avoid bleedthrough if things go awry
- Be slow to make close connections and loyal once you do
- Don’t accept demands on who you can be friends with. Suggestions, yes. Demands, no.
- You don’t have to let blackballers back in after they’ve cast you out :-)
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With love from both of us,
.
* The American Heritage® New Dictionary of Cultural Literacy, Third Edition. Retrieved June 09, 2010, from Dictionary.com website: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/blackballed
Photo credit: L. Marie
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