Not Saying No ≠ Saying Yes
Our shared stories on Not Saying No got me thinking about Saying Yes…which is not quite, or not always, the same thing.
Sidenote: And what a treat to find my foolish moments have some wisdom in them, and that our stories align even where they don’t intertwine :)
Like we talked about, an unsaid No, a quiet No, a No-that-isn’t-repeated-repeatedly…they all can be misinterpreted as acquiescence. But a Yes? Well, a Yes is a no-doubt-about-it commitment. When we say Yes, we’re in up to our eyebrows until we say No.
Which is totally fine…until it’s not.
The Trouble With Saying Yes
On many occasions, I’ve said Yes solely because I feared the imagined consequences of saying No.
And that’s the start of a big mess, right?
Because when we say Yes to something we don’t want because we’re afraid not to, then how long will it take—and what will it take—for us to deliver that festered No later on? Especially when it’s so much harder to say No after…
…after we’ve begun the work (so we may as well finish), after we get that first paycheck (and are relieved to have cash-in-hand), after we’ve moved in (and it’s so much trouble to find another place and move out).
Which is nutty, because really: if we believe Saying No will rain hell upon our heads, what do we think Saying Yes will do?
Well, okay, saying Yes can ease the moment. Rather than risk argument or hurt feelings, we can say Yes and everybody (else) is happy. And everything may come out okay in the end…right?
But it’s just as likely that saying Yes will bring the rain, not in this uncomfortable moment, but later on, and over and over until…when? Months from now when the contract is finished? Years from now when we quit the job? A decade from now when we sign the divorce papers?
Maybe forever because we never got the gumption to No our way out of the mess we’re now invested in? And maybe we feel ashamed (or guilty) about signing up for it in the first place? And maybe we’re too proud (or stubborn) to admit we made a mistake?
How much easier (in the long run) to Say No from the get-go—before we sign the contract, before we accept the job, before we’re standing at the altar.
How much better to use our creativity to explore the long-term benefits of No, rather than invent scenarios of unavoidable, immediate disaster that push us to say Yes.
Three Really Shitty Reasons to Say Yes
When I think back through critical branches in my Life path, I can organize unfortunate decisions into three Because buckets—
Because I wanted approval
A great quote from Lao Tzu was tweeted by @katecourageous just the other day: “Care about people’s approval and you will be their prisoner.” Doesn’t that sum it up nicely? This is how I chose my first college major and my career path…and it still trips me up, dangit.
Because I wanted to be liked
To me, this is not the same as wanting approval. Approval is wanting people to like what I’m doing, while this is about wanting people to like me. I rarely let this happen anymore, though it tugs on me now and then.
Because I needed the money
There’s nothing wrong with taking a contract or job just because you need the cash…as long as you know that’s what you’re doing. And as long as you have an exit plan in place before you start. And as long as it’s a strategic part of a larger, life-fulfilling goal. Otherwise, the work will sap your soul. True story.
So.
I find it quite cool that the word NO has a well-rated user’s manual [hat tip to @risingstarideas]. I haven’t read it yet, but it’s on my list—
The Book of No: 250 Ways to Say It — And Mean It
.
How do you know when to say Yes and when to say No? Gut check? Pros/Cons written on paper? Or…?
Photo credit: Andy Welsh
