Born To And Born For Our Crooked Paths
Crystal posted this on May 14, 2008
Image credit: djrueb
I love mystery/thriller novels, and I’ve savored virtual stacks of audiobooks while cleaning, driving, and decompressing before bed. It’s fab to “read” one or two books a week while on the run (or inches from sleep), and following the story more closely is an unexpected bonus. My ears tune into small things that my eyes might have skimmed over.
One of these small things is from Tony Hillerman’s Jim Chee novels, where it sounds like the narrator emphasizes the Native American concept of being “born to” and “born for” their parents’ clans when discussing lineage.
My mind has a hard time with this elegant perspective…it’s entirely stuck on my own limited view. To me, born to and born for aren’t about who we’ve come from, they’re about where we’re going to.
I was born to __________
Whether or not we’re born to do something—like dance or sing or fight or write—is arguable, but from where I sit, it surely appears to be so. Even if we’re not born to a career or task or job, many people seem built to do what they do best. How else do we explain child prodigies? Or star athletes? Practice is key to fully developing anyone’s potential, but there also seems to be a predisposition for what these folks so excellently do.
But really, we don’t have to be born as a top-ranked anything to acknowledge, embrace, be fulfilled, and profit from our inclinations. As an example, I am a backstage person. Every Life experience from my childhood through 20 minutes ago has shaped and reinforced my tendency to be a person who works best behind-the-scenes.
I like to discover stuff: research, read, poke about, and pick things apart. I like to make things: scribble, assemble, sew, and knit. I like to make things happen: designing, assimilating, planning, and programming. I’m a packrat of ideas, resources, trivia, and bits of info.
I’m shy in group conversations, but I love to talk one-one-one. A lot. In grade school I got As in everything except Behavior, where I got Cs because I was often caught chatting with my “neighbor”. This post is way late because I spent the entire afternoon brainstorming with friends/clients about shopping carts, marketing funnels, and income streams.
Looking at it from here, my Life has been a winding road that sometimes cuts back over itself: going from one group of friends to another, into and out of a marriage and then into another one many many moons later, from architecture to databases to instructional design to internet programming, from admin jobs to independent contracting to technical jobs and now (happily, thankfully, blessedly) this.
I’ve walked a crooked path for 39 years, and somehow arrived in my perfect place with everything I need to keep steppin’.
What was I born to do, if not what I’m doing right now?
He was born for __________
In this context, maybe there is little difference in being born to do something, and being born for a specific purpose. Either way, I know a number of folks whose paths have twisted a good bit. Like me, they got to where they are despite—or because of—the detours, bypasses, and rest stops of their Lives.
For instance, my friend Scott Hummel is a wonderful designer, and always has been. It’s been 10 years since I’ve seen him, but in our college days (and after) he always had a sketchbook near-to-hand, filled with portraits of the people and objects he witnessed while moving around town.
Scott’s habitats were always artsy in the best way. Nothing that screamed “Artist!”, just elegant and simple, full of brightniftybeautiful mementos and stones and pots and whatnots that you were free to pick up and explore. He’s the son of an art teacher. His young ones are already showing clear signs of his family’s creative legacy. He was born for a creative life, and it is born from him.
His path took him away from architecture to some thoroughly non-design related major, then continued with an education and a career in service learning, all while playing and coaching football. I remember Scott saying he was “an East Coast guy”, that his career with college students was it, and that his sketching, pottery classes, and other artful hobbies were enough to satisfy him.
And then he dropped everything, moved to San Francisco, and went back to school for photography and sculpting. And then he was an art director and produced catalogs. And now he designs logos and websites and all kinds of good stuff.
I laughed out loud when I first heard about Scott’s change of direction. I knew his creative life would come for him, eventually. He could sideline it for awhile, but there was no way to deny it forever. That said, there’s no doubt his path was perfect for him, however crooked. As he puts it—
Now…I get to be an artist, an architect, a collaborator, and a community builder. I am able to weave my passion for design with my ability to translate the stories and dreams of others into forms that communicate each client’s unique offerings to the world. I have found my calling.
What was he born for, if not for the purpose he serves right now?
You were born to/born for ________
There are dozens of stories like ours, from Scott’s business coach—who started as a therapist, went on to counsel families with family businesses, and now also coaches solo shops (like his)—to his friend who was a chaplain, and then an artist, and is now a web design project manager. Some roads are crooked-er than others, but I’m finding that very few walk a straight path.
What were you born to and born for,
if not what you’re doing right now?
If you’re not sure, maybe your path—however crooked—can tell you.
Tagged with: pep talk
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Crystal,
I have to fawn over this one. If you’re not “there,” thinking in this way will move you forward; if you are “there,” looking back in this way is refreshing.
I’ve always had a very distinct sense that regret is a wasted sentiment that I’m not going to play with, because I have a love of me, and every step I’ve taken so far has made me into this me that I love. Even though there have been times when I was not yet doing all I felt I could, I really didn’t and don’t have regrets.
Born to and born for are perfect. They suggest to me that you are on your way, and with drive you will get to where you are meant to be, even if the path is crooked as mine has definitely been.
Straight paths are awfully boring. I think if you knew yourself that well right from the get go either there’s not much to know or you’re gonna wake up with a raging midlife crisis some day and discover you knew nothing at all. It’s probably got to be a little bit crooked so you can be sure.
Love this post!
Regards,
Kelly
Recent blog post from Kelly: Inspiration Points: Planning, Prepwork, & the Payoff
Crystal,
A lovely post today, one that will keep me thinking for a while. I’ve traveled a very crooked path so far in my life, yet in a way it seems to be a bit like a circle…
I always knew what I was born to do, yet I went out and became something else to make a living. As it resurfaced, I found myself back at the start.
Yet, with no regrets. Everything I’ve done has served a purpose, and will help me as I move forward - relationships, skills, experiences.
As Kelly said, how can you know what you are born to do, if you don’t try a lot of different things to make sure that you are right.
-Brett
Recent blog post from Brett Legree: canada 2, greece 0. a story about running.
@Kelly, @Brett — Good morning y’all, and thanks
It helps so much that you guys are willing to compare notes on our lives-to-date! A real confidence builder, knowing successful people have had similar experiences. It takes the edge off these things that I thought marked me as doomed lol.
Regret is something I spent way too much time on until one of my courses had us do a timeline exercise. Critical life moments were notched along the line, and above the line we marked each + (positive) or - (negative) or +/- (neutral) based on how we felt about it at the time. You’ve probably already guessed the second part of the exercise?
Then we went back through the timeline, marking each event as positive, negative, or neutral based on we felt about it now. And while some in the class weren’t surprised, I was stunned that there were no negatives, only a few neutrals, and many many positives. A great visual, a new perspective, and no more burdens!
Thanks again for your comments!
A mentor of mine would always talk about how much easier it is the find your “path” in life the younger your are. He’d encourage me to try multiple hobbies while I was in my teens instead of occupying my time with typical teen-like shenanigans.
I wonder how much easier it would have been for your friend to go straight into designing after college instead of 10 years down the road. Especially with a family that he had to uproot and move to San Fransico.
Recent blog post from Jeremy Davis: Knowledge-Based Pricing: Kicking it Old Carpenter Style
@Crystal,
I think it can come with age and wisdom for some folks, and it helps if you have a guide to hold your hand. When I was younger, I know I thought about a few things and had some regret. Then I changed my mindset, as I got older - that is key.
You are most certainly not doomed
@Jeremy,
That is very true, and I will encourage my children in that way, just as I encourage young people I meet in my day to day life. I often say, “go out, travel, explore the world now” - decide what you like to do, then go do it.
Make a lot of mistakes - learn as you go - and have fun!
Recent blog post from Brett Legree: canada 2, greece 0. a story about running.
@Jeremy—Can’t say how it would have turned out creatively if he had started earlier, but like for myself, I can surely say there’s no guarantee (or reason to believe) it would have been better. Maybe more succinct, but also less rich from the varied experiences.
I’m with Kelly and your mentor…it’s important thing to do that exploration before you go mad in middle age because you didn’t. But whether it happens at 15, 25, or 55 doesn’t have to matter much. What matters most is bringing everything you have to bear…but that was last post
Thanks for your comment!
ps Nope, he didn’t cart anyone to Cali but himself. He found/grew all his family goodness out there!
Crystal,
RICHNESS. That’s it.
People sometimes say to me, how did you fit in all those jobs? I’ve been a nanny, a chef, a drama teacher, a retail buyer, I’ve been in management, and of course a designer (and that’s just the stuff I stuck with!). One answer is I was almost always working two jobs. More stimulation, more!
The other answer is, I wanted to be able to see it all, taste it all, and feel like the life I’ve lived has been rich. Some good, some bad, but I have really worked for that No Regrets philosophy, and whoo, I hope there’s a lot more richness to come.
I love the idea of being a Renaissance person when you’re young and have the energy, and aren’t screwing up anybody else too much, as Jeremy says. I certainly did that. But I’ll tell you, the older I got the more I realized I didn’t know enough when I was a teen to make real life choices. There hadn’t been enough “me” to know me yet!
When I went back to college as an adult it hit me. The kids around me were just like I’d been nine or ten years earlier. They were marching through because it’s what you do, not because their hearts were fully in it. Brilliant, talented, lemmings.
Crooked paths lead your soul home. That takes time.
Richness. Yeah.
Regards,
Kelly
Recent blog post from Kelly: Inspiration Points: Planning, Prepwork, & the Payoff
@Kelly,
Exactly. Just like the engineering lady when I went to engineering school… she was doing it because she wanted to do it. We were (mostly) doing it to get a good job.
Richness indeed. I consider myself very, very lucky to have seen and done the things I’ve seen and done. So many folks I know went right from high school to working where I work and will retire here…
(My neighbour is like that. When we told him we were going to New Zealand last year, he said he’d never go there as he hadn’t even been to the East Coast or West Coast of Canada, and he’d have to go there first. Okay, but you’re 57 years old now… better hurry up, my friend!)
I figured, hey, if that works for you, great. But it isn’t for me…
-Brett
Recent blog post from Brett Legree: canada 2, greece 0. a story about running.
Brett,
That is sad, yet I laughed. Dude, if you want to see NZ more than you want to see the Canadian coasts, pack it up and go for crying out loud!
You’d never guess this from reading my blog
, but I HATE excuses and cop-outs. LA-ZY.
“Do not go quietly into that good night.”
They’re gonna take me out kicking and screaming. With as rich a soul as I can manage.
Until later,
Kelly
Recent blog post from Kelly: Inspiration Points: Planning, Prepwork, & the Payoff
@Kelly.
“Brilliant, Talented Lemmings”
Super-well put. I graduated last year and I can’t begin to tell you how large of a majority that description applies too.
Recent blog post from Jeremy Davis: Knowledge-Based Pricing: Kicking it Old Carpenter Style
@Kelly,
And that’s why we did just that! I’ve been to the East Coast, meh. The West Coast is supposed to be nice, never been there but I’ve been to California so I figured it was time to try the other side of the planet for a change…
We can pile the kids in the magic bus next year and drive out there. Assuming we don’t move to New Zealand first
I refuse to be like everyone else and say, “when I retire I’m going to do this or that” - because, they never seem to do this or that, at least where I live…
I’m with you. I figure I need to live to be at least 1000 years to see a tenth of what I want to see…
-Brett
Recent blog post from Brett Legree: canada 2, greece 0. a story about running.
@Kelly and @Brett—
How crazy is it to wait to do all the things we want to do? Especially the most desired things, or the ones we can manage now (financially, etc.)
This is more personal than I should have in this blog, but it’s so danged relevant and shows how keen I am about this:
That whole “when we retire we’ll do ___” is how I realized I couldn’t stay married to a man I had buckets of love for. Can’t recall exactly what I mentioned doing, but his response was, “We’ll get to do all those things when we retire.”
I was 28. He was 37.
He was serious. I was horrified.
He was dead set on putting our lives on hold for 30 years. True story.
So I’m walking a crooked road that, if I am very thoughtful and much blessed, will stay richly crooked all the way to the end!
@Crystal,
Very crazy. In a dangerous way… I’ve written about it a few times, so often people get into that mindset and then when they finally “get there”, it is too late.
Thank you for sharing that, because I know exactly how you feel. Put your life on hold for nothing, and no one. You may not get that second chance to do whatever the heck it is you want to do.
We could have done the “financially responsible” thing and waited to go to NZ. But then, I might not have been in shape to go in the Zorb.
In fact, just today at lunch a co-worker of mine said he was glad he didn’t have kids because they’d interfere with his retirement plans. I felt like saying, “well what the heck are you doing *now*?”
(Nothing, is the answer. He does nothing now, so I can’t imagine he has much planned later.)
Keep on walking that crooked road, Crystal. The more crooked, the better.
I’ll see you there.
-Brett
Crystal,
Born to write.
( Now whether anyone was born to read it..that’s a whole nutter story!)
I have always felt that way, but that being said, life for me has been a big bag of collectiong stories and experiences. Nothing too little, nothing too big, no part wasted. I am happy for everything I have done. All the different jobs and situations.It’s been a crooked and winding road, but a good one.
The moment I realized that I didn’t wont to follow the traditional “when we retire we’ll do ___” was at my grandfather’s funeral. He lived a good life but did the typical work for the same company for 30 years and retire at 60 style of life common to his generation.
I realized that he spent over 40 years of his life working for retirement to only get to enjoy about 8 years of it. I totally loved and respected him, but came to realize how flawed the typical retirement setup is.
Tim Ferriss’ “mini-retirements” only solidified my position on this matter.
Recent blog post from Jeremy Davis: Knowledge-Based Pricing: Kicking it Old Carpenter Style
@Jeremy,
Exactly. Under the traditional plan, people spend the first 25 years of life preparing for a job that will take the next 35 years of their life so that they can enjoy the last 15-20, if they are lucky.
It seems a bit like a losing strategy to me. So I changed my strategy.
-Brett
Recent blog post from Brett Legree: canada 2, greece 0. a story about running.
Wait!
With the buckets of love, couldn’t you have just stuck his head in one until he woke up?
Bet he’s awake now.
What you’ve got now is way sweeter, because it’s on your own terms.
Awesome thing #1 about getting (a bit) older: Richness.
Awesome thing #2: Having the confidence to tell people who don’t “get” you to take a hike.
I’ve been lurking through the comments, but I love this dialog too much to not jump in.
I’m with Jeremy & Brett and found Tim Ferriss to be very compelling as he described the waiting-for-retirement plan as wasting the best years of our lives.
A couple weeks ago our business coach pointed out some of the deceptions that society believes in. He pointed out that the people that really make it big are often college dropouts who started their own business and did things their way.
@Crystal, your attitude is always inspiring. My path has been extremely crooked, and your message reminds me that it is a blessing.
Recent blog post from sterling| bizlift: Magento - Revolutionary eCommerce for Small Biz
Oh lordy, yes.
Don’t wait to enjoy your life. Don’t do something you hate in hopes that it can buy you happiness later.
By that I of course do not mean that you will never sacrifice now for later reward. But as Brett noted above, 35 years of sacrifice is way too much for a possible 10 or 15 year reward that you may never see.
I’m sixty years old. I’ve been enjoying myself for about 30 years now.. it’s the only way to live.
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@Brett — I am so scared of how your co-worker is making decisions now based on retirement plans. That’s a man totally living for tomorrow. My first thought was, “What about now, Dude? What about NOW?” But you noted he does nothing now. So instead of scared, now I’m just sad for him.
@Tony,
You are a wise man, and to me you don’t look (well, from your little picture) or sound sixty. Which to me says you are really enjoying life.
There is balance, we do have to save a bit for tomorrow, but to be like my colleague and save *everything* for tomorrow… foolish.
@Crystal,
I have another co-worker who is worse, in my opinion. In 9 years here she has skyrocketed up the corporate ladder. She has a beautiful little girl, 5 years old.
(I think she’s a great kid.)
And other people who don’t even know this woman say they feel sorry for the little girl. I hope that this lady wakes up soon. But I’m afraid she won’t - her own mother did the same thing to her… and you can tell.
Do what you love, for sure, but don’t forget the important stuff. Jobs & careers come and go. You’ll only get so many sunrises and sunsets, and you don’t know how many. So enjoy each and every one.
Recent blog post from Brett Legree: how to make 6 weeks work for you.
@Wendi—Ahhh
I love “hearing” the assurednes of your post. You’re an inspiration, as always!
@Jeremy—Your grandfather’s story breaks my heart, but strengthens my resolve. Mini-retirements, eh? I’m going to get 4HWW today.
@Brett—That 25 > 35 > 10-15 has got to be one of the most alarming distillations of Life that I have ever read. I’m freshly inspired to cut down the middle segment and also extend the last segment by making sure I continue to enjoy myself and to make it last until the very end.
@Kelly—HA! LoL I could have dunked him, but he was (and likely is) a steadfast (Read: stubborn) man. A doll in many ways, but not for me. “On our own terms” — truly a better part of being older, on many levels and with many applications!
Thanks for the great comments y’all! You keep me excited and encouraged, and appreciate it more than I can say
@Sterling—Hey there, glad you dropped in! Interesting that your business coach called it a “deception”, and that there are others. Sounds like a good post, eh? “Saving ourselves for retirement, and other big fat lies.”
And I’m glad I can lift you a bit because I owe you big…literally
Any time I’ve been in the gym this month, it’s been because of your post. And you know which one I mean. Anyone who doesn’t but wants to: no link for you. Go to http://bizlift.com/blog and read until you find it!
Howdy Tony, and welcome
I am so grateful for a perspective that’s 20 years older than mine, that says “Oh lordy, yes.” to what we’ve been saying. As you’ve read, we’re all doing our best to make the next 20 years better than the previous 20. It means a lot to hear that we’re going about it the right way from someone who knows for sure.
Never thought of sacrifice/reward like that, by the way…measuring the sacrifice based on the reward. Based on experiences, I’m hesitant to defer much, but I do need to think ahead at least long enough to allow potential down-the-road rewards to weigh in on my decisions.
So glad you dropped in, come back often?
whoa, cool shot. where is that taken? arizona?
-Kevin
Recent blog post from Dropshipdesign: 1
Hi Kevin! Isn’t it amazing? It’s amazing what we can get for free at Flickr under creative commons? I may never buy at iStockphoto again. The photographer has it tagged with “Morocco”…time for a road trip?
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“Who was it who said, ‘Blessed is the man who has found his work’?
Whoever it was he had the right idea in his mind. Mark you, he says his work–not somebody else’s work.The work that is really a man’s own work is play and not work at all.
Cursed is the man who has found some other man’s work and cannot lose it.”
I’m excited about Sheamus’ take on things. I’m following him on Twitter http://twitter.com/sheamus
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Hello, i really enjoying to read this post. yes we were born to do something , explore the world , fulfill our dreams . Just go explore and just do it.