Some Re-Assembly Required
Crystal posted this on June 11, 2008
Image credit: Palto
A friend or lover or partner or spouse who believes in you is a precious thing. A beautiful thing. A dangerous thing.
Precious and beautiful because they know and support your dreams and plans and hopes for your future. And they’re dangerous for the exact same fricking reasons. Here’s the story—
Last week I had lunch with a Precious Yet Dangerous Friend, and she spent a good bit of time watering the seeds of my business doubts. I nursed them over the weekend and the Doubt Harvest came in on Monday.
I woke up in pieces. I didn’t know what to do next or what I would be doing it for. I didn’t believe what I was working for would ever come to be. I asked myself who the hell I thought I was, to think that I could accomplish these things. I wondered what the hell I could have been thinking when I decided to do all this.
My Precious Yet Dangerous Friend suggested a job where predictable actions would yield predictable results and predictable income. We’ve been friends for years and she knows how important my business is to me. I’ve always trusted her counsel because she’s always had my best interests in mind. I considered getting a “real” job.
And that’s when I knew I had lost my damned mind.
I shouldn’t say I lost my mind. Everything was in my head, it was my heart that was lost. I’d lost heart in my business-to-be. Entirely.
Now, all kinds of people say you shouldn’t look outside yourself for validation. That’s bullshit. They must not know who to look to.
When my inner Negative Nelly bears down hard on my dreams and hopes and plans, I gotta have other people rally against my worst enemy: Myself.
So here’s my new reassembly process and the folks who helped. Maybe it (and they) can help you sometime—
Say: Can And Will
Weeks ago Brett sent an encouraging tweet about following through on a dream. He wrote, “You can do this. You can and will.” It’s a simple sentence full of power, rich with promise, and handy in times of need. When I thought, “I can’t do this”, my next thought was: “Yeah, you can. And you will.”
I can and will do it.
Ask: Who Do You Think You Are?
Many moons ago my business coach had me list everything I could offer the world: my skills, interests, and experience along with my knowledge, values, and ideas. A wonderful task. Now when I forget what I can (and will) do, or what I was born to and born for, I can read all about who I think I am.
I know who I am.
Remember How Far You’ve Come
On Tuesday, a graphic designer friend and I talked for hours about how strategizing online income streams is just like coaching football (seriously, it is). And when I recalled we’d known each other for 20 years, I realized that I’m not at all the person I was then. I’m not even the same person as when we talked last month.
I grow every day.
Honor The Winds of Change
Buddhism’s First Noble Truth can be translated as “Nothing is permanent” or similarly “Everything changes”. Success is not permanent, but then neither is failure. A bad day seems to last forever, but the sun will surely set on it and rise on a new and different day.
Change is always on the way.
Befriend Doubt
Doubt sucks. But it can nudge us to affirm our choices, tread gently, or change direction. In response to our own and others’ doubts we might uncover a new angle, reinforce a sagging concept, or transform an idea from half-baked to well done. Good stuff came out of standing up for my Self against her (and my) doubts.
Doubt is a good thing.
Seek The True Believers
My Precious Yet Dangerous Friend got laid off last week. Her sudden, intense need to create predictability for my “job” is likely a response to the shakiness of her own. Damn good thing I know where to find people who, like me, are betting their lives on the road-less-traveled.
Others believe as I do.
Big thanks to:
- Clay Collins for taking chances and sharing his life with us.
- Tonya R. Taylor for synergizing and saying that I’m her “shero”.
- Pamela Weir for asking “When are you starting your own mastermind group?” and believing there’s an easy answer.
Reimagine The Dream
On Monday Bob originated the Dream Meme to inspire thinking and writing about—and committing to—our highest hopes. Perfect timing! I revisited what I wanted, how I was going to get there, and what I can do today to make it real. I should make a vision board to keep the Dream in sight…
I Dream with open eyes.
Embrace The Uncertain Future
On the day of the Doubt Harvest, on the cusp of sleep, I remembered Pema Chodron said to approach the unknown as “thrilling instead of threat.” I set my mind to dream of wondrous possibilities instead of unforeseen dangers. I’ll be doing that every night.
Uncertainty thrills me.
Continue With Resolve
And today’s a new day. I don’t remember my dreams, but I feel like I’ve got it together. I have new tasks and projects, things to catch up on, and plans to rethink. Today’s a new day and there’s plenty to do.
What can (and will) I get done today?
Et tu? How do you put yourself back together when some reassembly is required? Who can you count on to help?
Tagged with: pep talk
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15 Responses to “Some Re-Assembly Required”
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CAN and WILL.
We should wear T-shirts. Maybe big long ones to cover us on those days we need them.
Yes there is a club of us.
Bright eyes, bigbrightbulb. See the glowing future my friend?…march forward! Its yours for the taking. You have friends who believe in you and who are willing to put what counts down on the table. Chin up.
Recent blog post from Wendi Kelly: Once Upon a Time
Such a timely post. I’m having my share of doubts as I come up against frustrating roadblocks in opening my business. I look up to people like you for doing it your own way. Keep it up! You’re more than capable…you’re passionate. Geek on!
Recent blog post from Sandie Law: 1
Thanks for the encouragement Crystal and glad to hear you’re not thinking any more crazy thoughts about getting a “real” job.
Recent blog post from Jeremy Davis: What I Hate About Becoming a Designer
Sometimes you need to hear just the emotions of what they are saying and not the content. Family & friends that are talking about all the ways you can fail should probably translate to “We love you and care about you”. It is not re-assembly, but filtering content.
@Melissa—Thanks for your comment, and welcome
You’re absolutely right, of course. The spot she’s in affects how she perceives everything right now, and I do know that she meant well. And what you say about “filtering content” is also true…I do that for many, but not those that I’m closest to…lesson learned!
@Jeremy—
Howdy and my pleasure! Yup, plenty of crazy thoughts running ’round in my head, but the idea of getting a “real” job has been shelved. How funny that when I mentioned getting a job to another friend, they said “Wash your mouth out with soap!” LoL
@Sandie—
I’ll keep on keeping on (and know that you will, too)!
Hey there! Glad this was on time for you (Wendi Kelly’s posts often do that for me), and thanks for the boost
@Wendi—
A thousand thanks to ya…
Woohoo! What a cheerleader you are! Ahh, if I could just bottle that up and dab a little behind each ear to get me through the day
I am incredibly impressed, inspired and proud of the work you did to overcome these nagging, hit-you-when-you’re-not-looking doubts. We all stagger under the weight of advice and contributions from well meaning friends and family. And that’s OK!
Go ahead and stagger. A moment or two (or three) staves off complacency and reaffirms your resolve. Just remember, as you have easily demonstrated, you have the resources to stand back up and continue steadily forward. Rock on!!
When I think about getting a real job, I know I have lost my mind.
Oh, you said it all right there. I just hung up the phone from my oldest, bestest friend to reboot, to get a morale charge so to speak. We do that for each other.
It makes sense to me to make sure the course we choose is one that is ALSO fulfilling all those parts of us that make it worth getting up in the morning. Take heart, dig in, and keep going. You have plenty of friends here who wish you well.
All best, Jan
Recent blog post from Janice Cartier: A Few 2 Minutes-Part 2
@Crystal,
Fall down seven times, get up eight times. Keep on putting one foot in front of the other until you can no longer do that. Then pull yourself along with your hands, until you can no longer do that. Then move yourself with the will of your mind.
Thank you for the mention of “can and will”. I couldn’t have done that one without Wendi (hi Wendi!) and Karen Swim, they are key members of the club. I say it to myself, and if I’m not saying it loud enough, often one of them will say it to me.
In reading what you wrote above - the part about “who do you think you are?” - I thought of this.
I thought of it because I have doubts too, sometimes - in moments of weakness, like we all do - and then I kick myself in the butt.
This is what often does it for me:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
-Marianne Williamson
I carry that quote with me everywhere, in my notebook. I’ve been trying to read it several times a day. And it’s working.
Let your light shine.
Nice post. I have always struggled with impatience and had big goals. Early on I realized it was important for me personally to set multiple goals…shorter term and longer term goals.
In any new venture I establish multiple goals with the first being easy and each becoming more challenging.
This helps me to schedule and plan my time to achieve each goal (hopefully) and identify my strengths and weaknesses.
Never give up…always stay true to yourself.
Crystal,
There is an easy answer.
Everyone starts somewhere.
That’s it.
No one starts with an empire, or a blog following, or a fan base of 700 people who will pay a monthly membership. But if we believe we can do it, take one small step at a time, and follow through with everything we’ve got, then we’ll be able to look back a year from now and say “I’m glad I took the chance, followed my gut and went after what I really wanted”. If you don’t do it now, you may never do it.
I don’t want to be one of those people who lives their entire life doing exactly what is expected because it is “safe”. I want to be able to look back and say “I followed my dreams and defined my own life”. I’m not saying there won’t be some failures along the way, but I want to “fall down seven times, get up eight times”. It’s scary, but I won’t regret it. I really regret staying in a “real” job when I hated every minute of it.
Luckily, I have a really great friend who pushes me when I’m most resistant to being pushed.
Easy or hard, there is always a way. All we have to do is start.
Thanks for everything.
Recent blog post from Pamela: Decluttering My Life with Marcia Francois
Crystal,
This conversation is reminding me of talks (lectures)I would have with my dad as a child. He was dismayed (horrified) that his lovely little daughter always had scraped up, banged up, bruised up knees and legs from playing and romping and climbing outside. I made forts and all kinds of things for my imaginary adventures that I would drag my little brother and sister through and we were always on some kind of new thing that got us into mischief. He would have rather I sat and did nothing and never got hurt, had pretty legs and looked like a nice girl so that when he dressed me up for church…well, you get the idea. Look good, look like a success rather then take a chance on being a failure or a big banged up mess. Those adventures and my imagination are the shaping of who I am today. What I am NOT is a dress up doll to take out and show off.
Go out and get your hands dirty. Seeds grow in the dirt.
Recent blog post from Wendi Kelly: Once Upon a Time
Wow! Thanks for the encouragement y’all!
@Chris–Hi and welcome–Thanks so so much for your comment and kudos. Now if we could just find a way to shift that burden right back on ‘em? Hmmm…
Rocking on!
@Jan–Howdy and thanks so much! Yup, I was like, “Back away from Monster.com…just back away”
With only 24 hours in a day, it really does help if work can be both joyful and fulfilling…so tedious when it’s not, and it’s time we’ll never get back.
And so glad you have a friend who recharges you! It makes such a difference, doesn’t it?
@Brett—I adore the Can and Will Club–open registration, no dues required! And you totally wiped me out with the Williamson quote. With you around, I need to bring tissues to the comments…
And how smart of you to carry the quote in your notebook. I just this minute printed out a copy and tucked it in my own. Thanks for the clever idea, and the quote, and the good cry
Shine on!
@Crystal,
I am happy that you liked the quote. I’m looking at it again today, as I have big plans for this weekend. Lots of stuff will happen, in the background.
Perhaps I should have put a Kleenex alert with it
I carry a lot of quotes around with me in my Moleskine, for those times when I need a boost. It really works.
(Still laughing at how you said “back away from Monster.com”… I’ll say this, working for “the man” is overrated for sure.)
Recent blog post from Brett Legree: viking fridays - the best things.
[...] all great, and capable of greatness. This one simple statement reminded me of a chat I had with Crystal the other day, about faith in one’s self to do great [...]
Hi Dream Builder—Welcome and thanks for your comment!
Your idea to break down goals is great, and I hope folks who get overwhelmed by big projects read that and go, “Oh! So that’s not just something the productivity gurus tell us to do?”
Breaking goals down into mini goals is tried-and-true, practical stuff with effective results…for us anyway
. I live by my mini-plans because the Master Plan and Big Picture are exhausting to look at. It sounds like you do it because you can accomplish something NOW and combat your impatience that way?
And putting the easy goal first sounds like a perfect way to help with that. So much easier to gain some momentum when the easy task is first. Other folks say to put the hard one first and get it over with, but maybe it depends.
When I make a to-do list, I always add one or two things to it that I’ve already done so I can cross something off right away!
Thanks again!